But of course, these only reflect the opinions of one human being and the individual chupacabras available for interview. So I asked the allegedly human people of the “Concellation 2020” Facebook Page what they thought…

PUBLIC SUGGESTIONS:

Tim Martin: “A nice suit and he can blend in with the rest of the bloodsuckers in trumps white house”

Unfortunately, I am not at liberty to discuss any white-house related operations/pranks/cons/power-grabs that any chupacabras may or may not be involved with. I will, however, make one point: I would hardly call Steven Miller’s suit “nice”.

From John Carpenter: “Hold a sign that says “I am human“
Follow-up from Paul E. Jamison: “I was going to go with a sign saying “I am not a chupacabra” but this would do.“

This is a nice idea, but impractical considering the lack of literacy and formal education among the population we’re talking about here.

Mike Cope suggests: “As a jackalope. Sheesh! Everybody knows that.”

Oh sure. As if relations between the cryptids weren’t tenuous enough! The last thing we need are chupacabra and jackalope getting each other in trouble for stuff.

Mark Schaffner and April Norton seem to like goats a lot. “Hey, I ain’t helping you blend in, goat sucker.” “came to say this lol”

As I have told many people, I am not a chupacabra, I just offer them helpful advice.

“Go to conventions and say he’s cosplaying as a chupacabra.”

Amber Lionflame here is probably referencing the Dragoncon 2008 Incident, which we do not discuss in polite company. Chupacabras are not polite company, so you’d have to ask one of them how it actually went down. All I know is: it worked a little too well.

Jim Vansand suggests: “Hire a human to push it around in a child stroller.”

Now HE is thinkin’ with gas.

“The spell ✨”chupacadabra” ✨”

Wait. WAIT. Is this a thing? Tanya Kozak? Do you give lessons? I have some friends who might want to sign up.

Trish Osmond is in dangerous ground. “As BBQ, we eat that all up, regardless of what it’s made of, so the goat sucker should be BBQ.”

Granted, that is a very “chupacabra” attitude, but you should be careful posting this kind of a challenge. One never knows if the chupacabras in your local community might be piggy-backing off your wifi.

Kara Stypczynski-Jungquist might have the most convoluted and brilliant idea yet: “Three raccoons in a trench coat”

So that is a chupacabra, DRESSED as three raccoons, and then putting a trenchcoat OVER that?! I don’t even know what to say. The meta-implications are mind-boggling.

Jon A. Davis added to #2 that an Emotional Support Animal vest could really complete the look. Kudos to him. If he finds a dead animal in his yard in the coming weeks, that is just the chupacabra communities way of saying “thanks, this could have been you.”

Gary Lange: “Put on a fur coat and act like a coyote.”

Well, his head’s in the right place, and certainly coyote behavior is an old standby for chupacabras encountering humans in the wild. However in recent years that practice has been reduced in favor of raccoon mimicry. Easier access to garbage, less likely to get shot at. Still coyote probably makes #11 on the list.

Too many people to name agreed with #4 on the list, to dress up as a goat. That is definitely the public favorite, but I don’t think these people recognize the sheer luxury of the forest green ’93 Jansport.

Many people also suggested that they could simply run for office as a republican, wear a young republicans pin, or something of that ilk. I do want to say that Chupacabras who choose to run for office cover the field from right to left wing, usually always for their own nefarious goat-sucking ends. That said, most Chupacabras I know have been fleeing the GOP lately. “You can’t suck a dead goat” they say.

Lastly, I want to address the many who mentioned covid-masks. With this pandemic, and the proliferation of mask usage, this has made it much easier on Chupacabras, as covering up their terrifying needle-teeth is one of the biggest issues for the modern chupacabra in a public human-riddled environment.

I can assure you that this is pure coincidence. Some have wondered if chupacabras are behind the virus and I wanted to alleviate those concerns. There is no way on earth that chupas could ever be organized enough to pull something like that off. Even if they could command the awesome power of genetic engineering, they’d be using it to make goats without legs, horns, and with twice the blood. Or making themselves taller, or giving themselves wings.

Incidentally, we should probably keep them from ever commanding the awesome power of genetic engineering.

—Charles